Right, welcome to S house, thank you playing. I will now explain how to play correctly with my toys. You would do well to listen and obey, because my cry is so ear-splittingly loud that the police can hear it all the way in the centre of town and they will come with their nee-naw to arrest you for playing wrong.
If there is something red, it is mine and you must not touch it. I’ll spell it out for you. If we’re playing Shopping List, I get the trolley with the red handles. If we’re playing Where’s my Cupcake, I get the plate with the red napkin. If we’re playing with my car transporter, I definitely get the red car. I might let you have the yellow one if I’m feeling generous.
Other things you must not touch
The grapes in the shopping basket, both colours.
My George Pig bag.
Anything that is especially mine today.
Anything I am touching.
Baby, if you’re reading this, you cannot touch anything. It is not for eating.
Right, now we’ve set the ground rules, it is time for some instructions on how to play.
How to Play with Duplo
The people are not interesting, you can ignore them. The polar bears live in this house, and the baby polar bears fly the plane and drive the car. You can also play Big Barn Farm and find all the farm animals. This one’s a horse, not a cow. No, it’s really a horse. Bit scary.
How to Play with the Number book
Put it on a flat surface. Find the right magnetic numbers and place them on the cover of the book to match the numbers in the picture.
How to Play with Happyland
Happyland has lots of fun vehicles to drive around, but make sure you get the right people in the right car. The postman drives the bus. Then you put two children in the other seats. The queen drives the van.
Gran has a nice little house with different floors to play with. You put the ginger cat behind the first floor window and the dog in the kennel outside, like so:
“Cat inna window. Waiting people. People car. Dog inna dog house. Dog in house, go waf waf! Cat scared.”
How to Play with Teddy
Teddy is real and has feelings and is often sleepy. The other day, we were in the car going to the other supermarket. Teddy was tired. Mummy gave me one of the Baby’s jumpers as a blanket for Teddy. I tucked him in on my lap and said: “Mummy, drive carefully, Teddy’s asleep.”
How to Play with Clothes
Wave them around and shout: “Let’s party!”
How to Play with the Number Stencil Book
You make a stencil of each number by colouring through the holes in the book (but don’t do the fun pictures, just the numbers, they are more fun). Make sure you use the correct colour for each number, that is, the colour for each Numberjack. Then Mummy must draw a Smiley Face on each number and cut it out with scissors sharp. (Careful!) Then you can play Numberjacks with the numbers and find a three to land on somewhere in the house.
How to Play in the Sandpit
You can, if you like, make sandcastles and sand crabs (with the special mould). You may also smooth the sand with this ping pong ball. Another fun game is to fill this empty pack of biscuits I found in the recycling with sand and tip it out onto the side of the sandpit – but wait until Mummy is not watching because she will come and say something like “Blah blah sand IN the sandpit blah blah”.
However, the best way to play, is to smooth an area of sand and write numbers in it. Get Mummy to help. She loves helping you write numbers for hours.
How to Play Games
Mixing is very important. If there are cards, they must be turned face down and mixed vigorously before starting the game. Another important part of playing games is taking turns. First, it is S turn. Then the rest of you can sort out an order amongst yourselves, as long as it doesn’t take too long to get back to S turn.
Different games have different rules. In “Shopping List”, the most important thing is to find the card with the sweeties on it. In “My First Orchard”, throwing the dice is the best part. If you don’t get the colour you wanted (hint: red), you may turn the dice so it shows your favourite colour. Also obligatory is to have a picnic at the end of the game.
Finally, every game has a winner. And then another winner. And then another winner, until everyone is a winner! Yay!
Some final points to remember
When going downstairs, you must first shut all the doors on the first floor.
That spot on the sofa is mine. It is where I sit with red blankie and my beaker of milk to watch Maisie.
That’s it. Bye bye! Thank you playing, such fun!